Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.

- W. C. Fields

Republican Hitchhiker

A guy was driving down the highway when his car broke down. He had a pressing appointment, and he needed to get to town one way or another, so he decided to hitchhike. He stood along the side of the highway and stuck out his thumb and after a while a car pulled over.
"Can I hitch a ride?" the man inquired.
"Are you a democrat or a republican?" the man in the car replied.
"Republican."
"Well screw you!" said the man with the car as he sped off.
He continued trying and then another car pulled up.
"Can i hitch a ride?" he inquired.
"Are you a democrat or a republican?" the man in the car asked.
"Republican."
"Well you can burn in hell!" cried the man in the car as he drove off.
Seeing that his car had broke down near a town full of democrats, he decided that a slight change of tactics was in order. He stuck out his thumb again. Finally, a woman pulled over in a convertable.
"Can I hitch a ride?" he asked.
"Are you a democrat or a republican?" She asked.
"Democrat."
"In that case, hop in!"
So he hopped in the red convertable and was soon speeding down the highway. As the woman drove, he began to notice how attractive she was. Then after only a short while of driving, he yelled "Stop the car!"
"Is something wrong?" the woman asked.
"I’ve been a democrat for less than five minutes and I already want to screw somebody."

I'm a Conservative Republican

A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a liberal Democrat. She asks her students to raise their hands if they were liberal Democrats too. Not really knowing what a liberal Democrat was, but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands flew up into the air. There was, however, one exception. A girl named Lucy had not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.
"Because I`m not a liberal Democrat."
"Then," asks the teacher, "What are you?"
"Why I`m a proud conservative Republican," boasts the little girl.
The teacher, a little perturbed and her face slightly red, asked Lucy "Why are you a conservative Republican?"
"Well, I was brought up to trust in myself instead of relying on an intrusive government to care for me and do all of my thinking. My Mommy and Daddy are conservative Republicans, and I am a conservative Republican too."
The teacher, now angry, loudly says, "That`s no reason! What if your Mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?"
"Then," Lucy says, "I`d be a liberal Democrat."

Cowboys & Lesbians

An old cowboy - dressed to kill with cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs and chaps - went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. After she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?" To which he replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch, herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences, so I guess I am." After a short while he asked her what she was. She replied, "I've never been on a ranch. I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. I get up in the morning thinking of women, when I eat, shower, watch TV - everything makes me think of women." A short while later she left, and the cowboy ordered another drink. A couple sat down next to him and asked,"Are you a real cowboy?" I always thought I was," he answered, "but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."

Sperm Count

An 85-year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring meback a sample tomorrow. The next day, the 85-year old man reappears at the doctor's office and giveshim the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asks what happened, and the man explains, "Well, doc, it's like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, but nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth,first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing. Hell, we even called up the lady next door, and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing. The doctor was shocked. "You asked your NEIGHBOR?" The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn't get the damn jar open!"

Genie in the lamp

A WOMAN was walking along a California beach when she stumbled across an old lamp. She picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie.
The genie said "OK so you released me from the lamp blah blah blah, but this is the fourth time this week and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes, So you can forget about three. You only get one wish."
The woman sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm too scared to fly and I get very seasick. So could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there?"
The gene laughed a replied, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that. How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete....How much steel !!!! No think of another wish."
The woman agreed and tried to think of a really good wish. She said, "I've been married and divorced three times. All three of my husbands were beer swilling, insensitive assholes. I wish that I could understand men. To know what they are thinking when they sit in front of a TV on a beautiful fall day watching football, to know why they are so insensitive, crude, and rude. To know what is so special about a blow job.
The gene replies "You want that bridge two lanes or four?"

Three Couples

Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor said, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" 
The old man replied, "No problem  at all, Pastor."
"Congratulations!  Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.
Then the pastor went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"
The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes we made it."
"Congratulations!  Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.
The pastor then went to the newlywed couple and asked, "Well, were you  able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"
"No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied sadly." "What Happened?" inquired the pastor.
"My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped  it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and  took advantage of her right there."
"You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor. "We know." said the young man, "We're not welcome at Safeway anymore either."

Dr Watson

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip.  After a good meal anda bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. 
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" Holmes asked.
Watson pondered for a minute... "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. 
"Watson, you dickhead.  Some bastard has stolen our tent."

hippopotamus

There's a squaw, she's sitting on a lion hide and has three boys.
There's another Squaw, she's sitting on a zebra hide and has two boys.
And there's a third squaw, she's sitting on a hippopotamus hide and has five boys.
What can you deduce from the above facts?




give up...



The son's of the squaw on the hippopotamus hide are equal to the son's of the squaws on the other two hides.
just a little math joke...

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T o mF i t h e n
"Love is blind; friendship closes its eyes" - Friedrich Nietzsche



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